When Living Alone Becomes Unsafe – Part 1

My mother initially moved to Virginia to be near my sister, Kaya, and I so we could help her continue to live independently. We immediately took over medication management, doctor’s appointments and her finances. She moved into a senior living community that consisted of an all inclusive type of apartment set-up near where we both lived. One meal a day was included in the monthly cost, and other then ordering her groceries to be delivered, Mom did not have to manage any other duties outside of the apartment.

Mom’s contribution to independence

Mom did her own laundry, dishes, general upkeep of the apartment and all her activities of daily living. As time passed, and her dementia progressed, Mom living alone became both increasingly difficult for Kaya and I to handle. It also became unsafe and her risk of injuring herself or damaging the apartment became a real concern. 

One of the first signs was her general loss of the ability to work the apartment appliances and thus keep up with her laundry and dishes. We noticed this every time we visited. There were often dishes in the sink and a basket full of dirty laundry. Even clean laundry would be in a messy pile on top of the dryer, sometimes partially wet. 

She also didn’t seem to remember when she had showered so she would shower multiple times a day. Every time she did, she put what she was wearing into the “needs washing” clothes hamper. In just a couple days she would have 3-4 loads of (maybe?) dirty laundry. 

These things could be managed with increased visits, but when appliance operation became a concern we knew that there was a chance that she could cause damage to her apartment.

Texts with Mom:

Mom: “Sorry to bother you, but…..my toilet will not flush again. Sigh”

Mom: “Now I guess I used incorrect laundry detergent to wash dishes.  Water is on the floor.  I turned it off but not sure what you want me to do…”

Mom: “Sorry I can be so mean. I do not mean to. Sorry I ruined your lunch.”
Me: “You’re not mean Mom. Im just sad if you can’t do your own dishes anymore. We will find a way to get more help.”

Our to-do lists grew

Our visits became even more busy and we had to start leaving notes for each other on if the dishes were clean or dirty and what laundry needed to be done. It was around this time that we hired my 18 year old daughter to go by once a week as well to help. This made 3 visits a week to manage all of the things that needed to be done to keep Mom living independently in the apartment. 

She no longer even tried to load, run or unload the dishwasher which actually made it less likely that there would be an accident that could damage to her appliances or the apartment in general. This loss was only a piece of the independent living pie, and one step towards requiring a higher level of care. 

In my next post, Part 2 of this series, I will discuss health concerns and Mom’s inability to recognize a potential medical emergency.