Dementia and Changing Relationships: I’m struggling to connect

Visiting Mom now a days is not the easiest. She is truly ecstatic to see me, full of a relief born from her confused and worried mind. And I am always happy to see her looking well. But quality time? It looks much different for us both. 

Communication

Mom is still very much verbal, but she quickly loses her train of thought when talking. This results in dis-jointed sentences and incomplete thoughts. She asks the same questions over and over and over again. “How are the kids?” being the most repeated one. 

She is shocked at the same things – how old the kids are, what grade they are in, how old she is, how old I am. And though the reason for all of this makes perfect sense with her disease, it does not make the experience any less difficult. 

I try

I find myself a bit disconnected. I try to engage but it is tiring repeating and reacting the same over and over. It feels forced, almost like I’m playing a part. I am pretending to feign shock along with her. “I know! I can’t believe how big the kids are getting!” But once you’ve said this once, twice, three times…it’s hard to muster up the energy again. 

I always try to bring a treat or drink for her to enjoy. Sometimes we go out and get food or drive through some where to give us something to do. She doesn’t tolerate much with her limited mobility and easily distracted and overstimulated brain. But even with an activity or food of some sort, we are often left sitting in quiet. 

It’s ok

I am ok with this silence. I am ok to sit and just be. But it’s like Mom senses this is not normal for us and wants to talk. Or maybe she just wants to chat. Regardless she keeps trying to talk and I keep trying to engage. But it’s ok for me to just sit and be. 

But maybe I should just talk. Even if she can’t follow or respond. She can’t really add anything but she can listen. But for some reason I find this also difficult. I am a talker, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes life is just life. What is there to say? I’m working. My husband is working. The kids are in school. Sometimes there is nothing much to say. 

It’s up to me

At the end of the day, it is up to me to navigate and direct these interactions to be as meaningful as possible. Mom is trying, but she can only do so much. Her damaged brain limits her abilities to figure this out. I know this. So I will keep trying to connect anyway I can while also making Mom feel like she is engaging with me in positive way. 

Mom’s dementia is a situation where the burden falls on the other person. I really don’t have the right to be frustrated. Well, not with Mom. And honestly, not with myself. I can be angry all I want at this disease. But when talking with Mom I need to have grace, patience and focus on intention. Which of course is to spend time with my mother. And for us to enjoy each other, catch up and continue to bond as mother and daughter.