I visited Mom last week, 2 days before Mother’s Day. When the nurse saw me on the floor she said, “We have been telling your mom all day that you would be coming Sunday to see her!”
But that was not true
In that moment I was confused, forgetting that Sunday was Mother’s Day. I had a commitment with my daughter on that day, and quite frankly there is an overwhelming amount of things going on in my life right now. I truly forgot it was even Mother’s Day.
There is also a part of me that is aware that Mom doesn’t know what Sunday is either (I’m not sure if that’s a conscious thought or not). And though of course I would see my mother at some point, and bring her something in honor of the day, it just doesn’t hold the weight as it did before since Mom doesn’t remember any of it. The day doesn’t matter in the sense of specificity.
This particular year, I hadn’t thought much about the day at all and with a weekend ahead that involved travel, I was not even going to be in the same state as my mother on Sunday. So I would not be able to visit on Mother’s Day. I had clearly processed this at some point. In and out of my brain the thought passed knowing I could tell her ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ on any day. This is true for anyone of course, but I have no guilt anymore in not seeing my mom on the actual day. She doesn’t know its Mother’s Day.
I know she doesn’t remember but…
The fact that the nurse had been telling my mom that I would come on Sunday wasn’t necessarily important. Mom would not remember that it was ever said to her, but for some reason the guilt that didn’t previously exist surfaced. I felt my defenses rising, like I needed to explain myself and why I wouldn’t be coming on Sunday. As if I owed an explanation.
After my visit with Mom, I did let her nurse know that I actually would NOT be there on Sunday as I would be out of town. I let her know I would come on Monday to visit to which she replied, “Bring her flowers! We told her you would bring her flowers!”
Bringing flowers is something my sister and often do for holidays and birthdays, but again I felt an immediate pressure to now get flowers on top of an already very stressful personal time in my life. When again, as awful as it sounds, Mom would not know if I brought flowers or not. Would she like them in the moment? Probably. Would she know where they came from 20 seconds afterwards? No. Would she even notice them in her room once I wasn’t pointing them out? Probably not.
Mature thoughts
These thoughts could perhaps be considered mature in the sense that I have been dealing with a mother who has dementia for seven years. She has lived in Memory Care for two and a half of those years. All of the many, many experiences that go along with this creates a totally different relationship and thought process in regards to everything to do with my mom.
I have had to let go, adapt and change countless traditions realizing that many of the things that I was doing were for me, not her. The hard truth is that Mom has no sense of time. She doesn’t know what day, or year, it is. She is starting to lose what ‘special’ days even mean.
In the past, when you told her that it was a particular holiday, she would get excited. Now, she seems unimpressed. Like she almost forgets it as soon as you say it. Maybe because she can’t process what that signifies anymore? Or has she now forgotten what holidays are? She’s also so pre-occupied by whatever is going on in the moment around her, she often can’t focus on much else.
Mother’s Day 2026
When I did visit Mom on the Monday after Mother’s Day I indeed brought flowers and chocolate. And honestly, she barely noticed either. I kept saying “Happy Mother’s Day” and repeating that it was Mother’s Day the day before. But she didn’t react. She smiled slightly at the flowers. She did want some of the chocolate. But almost as fast as she noticed both, she was distracted by someone near her. She asked me to take her home.
And this is how it goes. Visits are often spent trying to keep Mom calm. Trying to engage, trying, trying, trying….
I know Mom’s nurse did not mean any harm from her comments. I support anything that her care staff needs to tell Mom to make her happy, or to calm her down. I’m sure the repeated promises of her daughters coming to visit and bringing her flowers was well received by Mom, but she also has no concept of time.
Short-term
These types of comments are a mere band-aide for the moment. This is often how you deal with dementia. You get through the moment in time, the crisis, the interaction. There is no long-term benefit, or detriment for that matter, from these assurances Mom’s nurse made. I know this. And I would like to think that the Layla of a few years ago would have been more bothered. That I have grown and matured through the years just have my thoughts have.
Above all else, I cannot allow even a hint of judgement from anyone to enter my world. There is no space for it. I love my mother and how I show that to her, and how we relate to each other, is ours alone. Guilt cannot enter our equation.
This disease is personal, and how you deal with it is just as personal. Only you know what your journey has entailed and what struggles you have endured to be at this exact moment. You no doubt have battle scars, though they are invisible to others.
Except maybe to other caregivers. We see each other. We see behind the curtain. And there isn’t a hint of judgement or guilt that exists here.